It usually takes us by surprise.
The energy might not be flowing well. We may be feeling under the weather, or affected by the weather. We may be overly stressed or just not solid in our resilience that day.
What is the surprise?
Our reaction when someone makes a comment (or two or three), or does something (or two or three), or we witness something (or two or three) that triggers our vulnerability.
And then we find ourselves, like it or not, spilling into a “realm”–that place where the yucky stuff we hate to feel takes over and there’s no denying it!
I found myself triggered and in a realm last week.
The conditions were perfect to put me there, and I felt overwhelmed by feelings of unworthiness, betrayal and grief.
I couldn’t extricate myself from them, and even though some miracle of a small thought reminded me that “this too shall pass”, most of my consciousness was stuck on the fear that I would get trapped in this realm and it would drag me down too much.
Four common results of triggering are:
-Feeling intense or inappropriate feelings out of proportion to the situation,
-Being de-skilled (all your competencies are gone),
-Paralysis or deer-in-the-headlights feeling,
-Feeling out of control and no longer at conscious choice.
Being human, it is inevitable that we find ourselves triggered at times and lost in a realm. These occasions offer immense opportunities for personal growth, but it’s typically a useless endeavor before we’ve emerged to some degree. Only then is it really possible to have a constructive conversation…even with one’s self!
Given my sensitivity, it usually takes a while to emerge from a realm. Once I do, this strategy helps me mine the gold, and I share it with you.
When You Get Triggered
Consider your triggered self as its own unique entity, separate from yourself. This is key: by placing the triggered self outside, your competent adult self can create a relationship with it. Your competent adult self’s job is to be a good coach!
First step–normalize your triggered self’s feelings. Respectfully acknowledge their validity.
Second step–get curious! Ask your triggered self questions. Use reflective listening. Allow it to have a voice. Though it may be a young, wounded voice, give it the chance to yield its truth, wisdom and love.
Third step–ask what it needs.
Fourth step–invite it to make a commitment towards change.
Some schools of thought suggest a triggered self comes into being because in some way the adult, or adult self, has abandoned its job. Or, perhaps, the adult self never took the job in the first place.
By using this strategy, if willing, your adult self can discover where it has the opportunity to step up its game, relieve the triggered self, and gain greater personal mastery.
Getting triggered and landing in a realm is never fun, but I have learned to be patient with myself, and when I’m ready, put this strategy to work.
I admit I’m still in conversation with my triggered self after this most recent event, but I’m thankful to be out of my realm, back in the shoes of my adult self, and very willing to take on the job!
Inquiry Invitation: What opportunity or situation is present right now where you can be a more forgiving and helpful adult to yourself?